Small Steps for Big Problems
by Luci-Marlena
Summary: Modern AU: Arthur likes a boy named Merlin. But he can't. He must never like a boy, ever. It's wrong, unnatural. But how can he stop if he's loved the boy since he was 12? Warnings: Homophobia, underage sex & drinking, drug abuse & internalized homophobia
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Merlin franchise belong to the BBC.

The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.

AN: First time writing anything modern. Not sure how I'm doing in this fandom so any feedback would be appreciated.

Anyways, thanks for reading and please review.

Warnings: Homophobia, self-hate, underage sex, underage drinking, drug abuse, and I think that's it.

Spoliers: None.

_I've Just Seen a Face_

It's the first day of Year 8 when he sees him.

This pale, lithe, beautiful boy who has the biggest smile Arthur has ever seen in his entire life. He literally cannot take his eyes off him. He watches as the boy is joking around with this short, stocky boy who keeps on shouting words in intervals (who he vaguely recalls is called Bill or something), a girl with curly black hair, and this pale, queit girl with long brown hair.

He doesn't even know the boy's name, but he wants to find out. He wants to meet him, to be friends, to get to know each other.

Arthur just _wants._

He's about to go over before Morgana comes over with their friends and they chat about their summers and classes this year. Arthur could honestly care less, he just wants to see that boy again. He tries to look over Leon's shoulder to where he saw the boy and his friends last, only to see the spot empty.

He's gone.

The mystery boy.

His beautiful boy.

He's about to give up all hope before the girl with the curly black hair walks towards them and hugs Morgana.

"Ah Gwen!" she squeals, "I've missed you so much! Where have you been? I thought we were meeting twenty minutes ago?"

Gwen, that's her name, and when did Morgana get new friends, points over her shoulder and says, "Oh I was just saying hello to Freya, Will and Merlin."

Arthur then tunes out the rest of the converstaion.

Merlin.

His name is Merlin.

He tests the name out for himself.

_Merlin._

_Mer_lin.

Merlin.

He smiles and follows his friends as they walk towards the college.

Merlin is beautiful.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Merlin franchise belong to the BBC.

The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.

AN: *waves at the 15 people who have this on alert* Hi! Thanks for all those who have this on alert, this one's short but it explains why Arthur can't make a move. I'm working on more, but I have assignments due this week, plus exams in the upcoming weeks, so I'll try to get more done.

Anyways, thanks to everyone who reviewed before and hopefully you enjoy.

Warnings: Homophobia, self-hate, underage sex, underage drinking, drug abuse, internalized homophobia, and I think that's it.

_This Longing_

Merlin. He can never get that boy out of his head, no matter how hard he tries. For god's sake, he's in Year 11 now, he should be over this bloody infatuation.

But he's not. Oh god, he's not.

He dreams of him. Of his voice, his hands, his mouth, running his hands through his hair, nibbling on his ridiculous ears, everything. _Everything._

But he pushes it aside. He can't be like this.

Abnormal.

That's what his father calls it. Abnormal, deviant, strange, sickening, repulsive, unnatural.

So he pushes everything away and does his best to make his father proud. To be the perfect son. To be normal.

And it works.

Until he sees him passing by the hallway, or hears his voice, or his laugh, or sees any of his artwork hung up in the artroom. Then, all he feels is this emptiness, this longing for something he knows he could never have. Ever. Not without losing everything and everyone he cares about.

So he pushes it all away into the corner of his mind and sets his mind to being normal.

Because that's what everyone wants him to be.

Normal.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Merlin franchise belong to the BBC. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.

AN: I was able to get this done early this morning (yawns) so please let me know it was worthwhile. Thanks to everyone who has this story on alert and thanks to those who reviewed. (BTW, now that there are more of you reading, I'm gonna get greedy and want more reviews. Just a fair warning.)

Warnings: Homophobia, self-hate, underage sex, underage drinking, drug abuse, and internalized homophobia.

_I Don't Want to Spoil the Party_

He's pissed.

He's had eight pints and two of whatever pills Lance scored.

All of which are coming back up right now.

He's in the loo, emptying his stomach of everything he had this evening and right now, all he wants to do is go home and go to bed. Pretend this night never happened. Pretend he never saw Merlin here, grinding with some girl, looking like he's having the time of his life. Pretend that the reason he popped the pills Lance gave him wasn't to try and burn that image from his memory and the feelings it produced.

With one final heave, Arthur flushes the toilet staggers to the sink to rinse the sick from his mouth.

Looking at himself in the mirror what he sees makes him cringe. Pale, sweaty face, greasy hair, wild eyes; he looks possessed. Splashing some water on his face, Arthur tries to get a hold of himself.

Taking a couple deep breaths he goes back into the throng of people looking for Morgana to let her know that he's going to home.

He looks for a half an hour before he gets frustrated. They're twins, shouldn't they be able to find each other instinctually or some shit?

He's about to give up and just leave before he bumps into someone.

Merlin.

He's clearly pissed, but Arthur doesn't care. All he can register is the warm, lean, taught body pressed close to his. He can smell Merlin's aftershave this close, and it is heavenly. God how long has he wanted this; to be close to him, to touch him, to hold him, to claim him, and now he can.

As if it was instinct, he grabs Merlins hips tight and pulls him closer to his body. He doesn't plan on letting the boy go.

Merlin looks at him and smiles a big, bright smile like he's actually happy seeing Arthur. He grips the small of Merlin's back and brings him even closer. Smiling, Merlin shuffles closer and rests his arms on Arthur's shoulders. He leans close and mutters a quiet, "Hi" in Arthur's ear before combing his fingers through the hair at the back of Arthur's head.

Content, Arthur tucks his head in Merlin's neck and just inhales the scent of pure Merlin that he finds there. He blocks out all the sounds from the club and focuses on Merlin and the feeling of their bodies pressed close together slowly moving together. Arthur begins to place kisses along Merlin's neck before he finally takes the boy's mouth.

His taste is overwhelming.

Merlin tightens his fingers in Arthur's hair and is tilting his head in order to deepen the kiss.

Before Arthur's able to really enjoy it, Morgana appears. She rips Arthur away from Merlin and asks him if he's okay.

"I don't-" he begins before Morgana interrupts, "I saw what happened."

Arthur pales.

"He practically jumped you! God, Arthur, I'm so sorry I wasn't able to get to you in time," she comforts before glaring at Merlin. "Don't you ever fucking touch him again, or I'll kill you. Fag." She drags Arthur out of the club before Arthur could turn and see the look on Merlin's face.

Once they're outside, Morgana starts checking him over again. "You're _sure_ you're alright?" she asks, a worried little frown on her face.

He nods, "Yeah, I just wanna go home Gana."

Morgana smiles and links their arms together as they walk home. As they're walking, she talks about her night while shooting concerned glances at Arthur every couple minutes. By the time they're home, Arthur is exhausted. Morgana asks him again if he's alright and he tells her that he just wants to sleep it off. She nods and highs him, wishing him a goodnight as they go to their rooms.

Climbing into bed, all Arthur can think about is the feel of Merlin's body underneath his hands. The way he moved against him, his fingers combing through hair, and what could have happened.s

He wants him. He wants him so bad, but if tonight taught him anything it's that he will never be able to have him.

Morgana would never accept him, let alone his father.

No, tonight was a mistake. Tomorrow he'll tell Morgana he was high off of the pills Lance gave them and that he didn't know what was happening until Morgana saved him. He didn't want to kiss Merlin, let alone any boy, and thank god she was able to find him in time. God knows what would have happened if she hadn't shown up.

As Arthur drifts off, all he can think is "If only she hadn't shown up."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Merlin franchise belong to the BBC. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.

AN: Thanks for reading! More angst, but some Merlin/Arthur interaction will come next!

Warnings: Homophobia, self-hate, underage sex, underage drinking, drug abuse, and internalized homophobia.

_The Next Time Around_

There are so many rumours about Merlin now.

People are calling him "fag" and other things, horrible things.

All because of him.

It's all his fault.

If he told the truth… If he told Morgana what really happened, none of this would be happening to Merlin.

But he can never tell Morgana.

He can never tell anyone.

Ever.

He has to be normal.

So, he watches as girls shy away from him, as boys shove him into the lockers, as he gets picked on every day, being labelled as "the fag who jumped Arthur Pendragon"; his beautiful boy. His Merlin.

His life has become hell.

He's labelled as a "fag you have to watch out for" by Arthur's friends and he can't do anything to help him.

(He's tried to help him, to get all of his friends off Merlin's back, but they all insisted that not only are they protecting Arthur, but they're protecting all of the other guys at school by doing this.)

He hates it. He hates every single day he has to watch Merlin get knocked down a peg, all because of him. Because he lied. Because he can't be normal.

He's put the one person he wants in the line of fire.

Merlin, for the most part, just stays out of evryone's way. He keeps his chin up and doesn't back down from a confrontation, and never talks to anyone other than Will and Freya. He goes to class, spends extra time in the chemistry lab and the artroom after school, and goes home.

And Arthur just watches him as his heart aches for him and his brain is telling him to forget everything about him.

He tries, he really does. But he can't get him out of his mind.

And that's how he ends up at some dirty club in the loos with some lithe, pale, blue-eyed boy with shocking black hair on his knees sucking him off.

He's only doing this once, just once to get his fantasy of Merlin out of his system.

Running his fingers through the boy's hair, he pretends. He pretends it's Merlin on his knees before him, staring up at him with his bight, happy eyes as he sucks, licks, and moans.

Merlin.

_Merlin_.

_. _

Ah _Merlin!_

As he spends himself down the nameless boy's throat, he thinks, "Next time, it will be Merlin. Next time, they'll get off together."

And with that thought, he knows that this isn't over; that it will never be over.

He will always want Merlin and he will never be normal.

He tucks himself back into his pants and zips up before running out of the loos, completely forgetting about the boy on his knees in the loos who was obviously wating reciprocation. Running out of the club and down the street, Arthur tries to forget about the entire night and the affect it had on him.

He wants Merlin. He wants Merlin even though he had some twink who looked like him suck him off in the loos. He could try other boys sucking him off, but he knows that it won't help. He tries to think rationally.

If twinks won't help, he'll just need to go to the source; he needs the real thing. He needs to get off with Merlin, just once, and then he'll be rid of him. The obsession – the feelings will stop.

Just one time with Merlin and everything will be back to normal; he'll be back to normal.

Right then and there, Arthur makes a plan: the next time he goes to get off with a boy in the loos, it will be Merlin.

The next time will be his last with a boy; it will the last time Arthur is cursed with this abnormality.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Merlin franchise belong to the BBC. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.

AN: I was going to post this tomorrow, but I thought "what the hell" so here it is. Thanks to everyone who reviews, I really appreciate it and I love all your feedback.

**Note: They are in Lower Sixth Form now (a year has passed).**

Warnings: Homophobia, self-hate, underage sex, underage drinking, drug abuse, and internalized homophobia.

_Love Me Like I Love You_

He's tried to stop himself (he spent the remainder of Year 11 by being good – no boys at all), but he just can't. The anticiapation of waiting to have Merlin got to him. He goes back to the dirty club that none of his friends ever go to and finds another boy.

(He doesn't mean to do this, but he can't help it.)

He thinks if he has a boy, any boy, it will help to rid the thoughts of Merlin, or at least make the waiting bearable

But nothing works. No matter how many boys suck him off, or jack him off, he can't stop thinking about Merlin, and it makes things unbearable. He's constantly thinking of Merlin. How he would feel, what noises he'd make, how he would make Arthur feel, what he likes, what he wants to do…

He can't help it.

He just _wants _all the time.

(Most of the time his thoughts aren't even sexual. He just thinks about who Merlin is and wants to know everything about him. What his favourite band is, his favourite song [Float On by Modest Mouse – he overheard Merlin talk to Will about it while he was at his locker getting his books for Maths], favourite movie [pretty sure it's a tie between The Lion King and Shaun of the Dead], if he likes sports, where he wants to go to uni, favourite colour [blue], if he could have a pet what it would be [although he's pretty sure that Merlin has a cat named Killgarrah or something], what his favourite memory is, if he could live anywhere in the world where would it be, if he wants to have kids, if he plans on getting married or having a acivil partnership, he just wants to know.)

He needs to get this done.

He needs to be rid of this _thing_ he has for Merlin so he can get on with his life.

So he goes to clubs on the weekend, every weekend and tries to keep a look out for Merlin.

One night, he finally sees Merlin.

Tonight, he will finally over Merlin _tonight._

He can't believe it. After all this waiting he can finally have Merlin. He takes a long gulp from his pint and tries to calm down. He feels feverish, in desperate need for release, but he needs to wait. He needs it to be with Merlin or this whole thing would have been pointless.

So he begins to calm down and he just watches Merlin while nursing the remainder of his pint.

He watches as Merlin happily greets a very fit brunette boy before dancing with him. At first they're back to chest, with the brunette (whose hair looks like it belongs in a shampoo ad) cradling Merlin's hips as he grinds into him. Arthur tries to swallow his jealousy as he can only imagine how Merlin's pert bum feels like grinding on his cock. He watches as these two dance for a number of songs, and he begins to lose his patience. Shampoo Boy is leaning down and whispering things into Merlin's ear, occasionally nipping the lobe, making him smile.

Arthur doesn't think he can take much more of these two, before Merlin turns around and brings their hips together, giving Arthur the perfect view of Merlin's bum. He can't take his eyes away from the sweet swell of ass covered by skinny jeans. He watches as it sways and gyrates to the beat.

Eventually he loses sight of that sweet bum and tries to spy Merlin through the throng of people from his seat at the bar. He looks for a minute before giving up, thinking that Merlin and Shampoo Boy must have left together. Huffing, Arthur turns back towards the bar and goes to finish his drink.

He turns to leave when his eyes lock with familiar blue ones; Merlin.

Arthur freezes and just stares at Merlin. Merlin makes the his way through the throng of bodies to Arthur with a determined gaze. He doesn't say anything as he stops before Arthur, grabs his wrist, and drags him to the loos. They go to the last stall and Merlin locks the door.

They stare at each other, breathing each other's air before Merlin speaks, "Why do you keep staring at me?"

This was not what Arthur was expecting. "What?"

Merlin crosses his arms and continues, "Gwaine, my friend," he gestures towards the club, "he says that you've been staring at me all night."

Atrhur shakes his head and tries to deny it, "I-I haven't –"

Merlin cuts him off, "You go to my school, yeah?" and stares at Arthur before he says, "Arthur Pendragon, right?"

Arthur just stares at Merlin with only one thought racing through his mind, _He knows my name. He knows my name. He knows __my__ name._

He continues as if he wasn't waiting for Arthur's response, "Do you know who I am?"

Without hisitation Arthur thinks, _Yes._

Merlin's face hardens, "I'm the one that everyone calls "fag" because of you. They all think that_ I_ jumped _you_."

Arthur begins to panic, no, no, no one can know! His friends would be disgusted, his sister would hate him, his father would _disown _him.

Merlin reads the panic on his face and puts his hands out in surrender, "Listen, I'm not going to out you or anything, alright? I'm not like that."

Arthur begins to calm down.

"Just," he makes some vague gesture with his hands, "quit the staring. It's creepy."

Arthur nods, "I'm sorry."

Merlin shrugs, "It's fine, well not really, but, just stop, okay? It's disturbing."

He shakes his head, "No, not, I mean, for the other thing. For that night and everything."

Merlin looks shocked, "Oh." He looks into Arthur's eyes and gives him a small smile. He leans in and places a soft kiss on Arthur's lips. Merlin leans back and looks into his eyes, "Now we're even," he smiles before pecking Arthur's cheek, "One for the road."

He unlocks the stall door and catches his eye before leaving with a, "See you at school."

As soon as he hears the door shut Arthur collapses against the wall.

Merlin kissed him. He kissed him.

Oh god.

He wants more. More kisses, more talking, more smiles, more Merlin.

He goes home and goes straight to bed, not brushing his teeth in hope that the taste of Merlin will still be on his lips in the morning.

He wakes up and thinks the entire night was a dream. He showers, brushes his teeth, and goes to school determined to not look at Merlin the entire day. Arthur fails the minute he's at college, catching Merlin's eye at their lockers. Merlin, instead of looking away or telling him to stop staring, gives him a soft smile before shutting his locker and heading to his first class with Freya.

He watches Merlin walk away and smiles to himself and replays the smile Merlin gave him over and over.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Merlin franchise belong to the BBC. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.

AN: Sorry for the delay but RL got in the way. I will try to update again by the end of the week to get back on track of one a week.

Today has not been a good day. Sigh, hopefully it will get better, but I doubt it. Anyways, thanks to the few who reviewed, it means a lot. Thanks to everyone reading and please review!

Warnings: Homophobia, self-hate, underage sex, underage drinking, drug abuse, and internalized homophobia.

_In the End_

Things with Merlin don't progress as Arthur wants them to.

They don't progress at all, really.

After that one night at the club and the smile Merlin gave him the day after, Merlin has not been Mr. Pleasant towards Arthur. Quite the opposite really.

Gwaine, or Shampoo Boy as Arthur remembers him as, transferred to their school after he got kicked out of his last one at the beginning of term. Gwaine quickly became friends with Morgana and Nimueh, and by extension Arthur and the rest of their group.

"Gwaine!" Morgana called as she and Arthur made their way down the hall. Once they caught up with Gwaine in front of their class door, Morgana linked her arms with Gwaine, "We should sit together."

Merlin tries to enter the classroom but both Gwiane and Morgana are blocking the way. "Excuse me."

He waits until Morgana, scoffing, moves out of the way before heaidng in.

Morgana watches him leave and warns Gwaine, "Watch out for him, he tried to snog my brother. Just jumped on you didn't he, Arthur?"

Arthur tries not to blush and avoids Gwaine's knowing look, "Just leave it Gana."

Merlin walks back out and looks at Morgana, "Yeah, you're right Morgana. Better watch out Gwaine, if you bend over in front of me I just might think it an invitation to shove my cock up your arse." He gives her a sarcastic smile before re-entering the class and taking a seat in the front row.

Morgana huffs and heads into class. Gwaine shakes his head at him before following Morgana into class.

Throughout the entire class Arthur watches the back of Merlin's head, watching at how tense the back of his neck and shoulders would get whenever Morgana talked.

He wishes he could tell Morgana what happened; that Merlin didn't jump him, that he wants Merlin to jump him. He wants to be able to tell her that he thinks that he likes boys, and that he _definitely_ likes Merlin.

She's his twin and he loves her, no matter what. He just wants the same. He wants her to love him; no matter who he likes.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Merlin franchise belong to the BBC. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.

AN: So I'm back on track for one a week! Thanks to the few who reviewed (which is weird 'casue there are over 50 of you reading but only 3 review… hmm…) and hope you enjoy.

Corn: (I really wish I could PM you to explain!) To answer your question – I have Gwaine acting like his character in the show where he's been drifting from school to school, struck up a friendship with Merlin, but hangs around with everyone, especially if there's alcohol involved. I didn't include it in the storyline because I was focusing on Merlin and Arthur and how that was progressing, but here Gwaine met Merlin in a bar, they became friends, they met up in school, hung out a few times, but weren't BFFs so him hanging out with Morgana and the rest of them wouldn't be weird. Hopes this answers your question.

Warnings: Homophobia, self-hate, underage sex, underage drinking, drug abuse, and internalized homophobia

_New Terrain_

He's been doing a lot of thinking.

(Mostly about Merlin.)

If he's going to get Morgana to accept the idea of Merlin, he needs them to get to know each other, not to mention that he wants to get to know Merlin as well. So he gets Merlin's number from Gwaine and texted him the address to Elena's place telling him that tonight they were going to party.

While Arthur and Leon were carrying a case of beer each, Lance was struggling with a keg. "Will one of you fuckers help me please?" he ground out, trying not to drop the keg as he was unloading it from the car.

At that moment Merlin came walking in the driveway with Freya behind him.

Morgana spots him and practically shouts in disbelief, "Who the fuck invited him?" just as Merlin walks over to help Lance with the keg.

"Someone need a hand?" he smiles as they get the keg out of the car and onto the ground.

"You like giving hand don't you, Merlin," Morgana sneers.

Merlin rolls his eyes before nodding goodbye to Freya, "See you," and begins to walk home.

Arthur, unable to watch Merlin walk away and afriad that he might never be able to get his sister and the object of his affection to stand a couple metres away from each other without wanting to kill the other, says the only only thing that would diffuse the situation.

"For fuck's sake Morgana, he didn't kiss me okay?"

Morgana whips her head towards him, "Yes he did he, he practically jumped you!"

Tired of lying and just wanting to get this over with, Arthur tells the truth, sort of. "I kissed him! I was drunk and Lance gave me MDMA, and I just felt like fucking kissing someone, okay?"

Morgana just looks at him incredulously and watches as he grabs the case of beer at his feet and walk inside.

Freya soon spots Gwaine in the kitchen unloading beers into the fridge and launches herself in his arms, kissing him hello before handing him a container of brownies that was hidden in her purse. Gwaine whoops and shouts "Yes!" and the sight of the brownies and brings Freya in for another deep kiss.

Arthur's unloading his case of beer in the fridge when Merlin and Lance come in with the keg. Lance gets started on hooking up the tap while Merlin goes to the fridge to get a beer.

Arthur pauses in unoading the beers into the fridge and looks at Merlin, "Thanks for not saying anything."

Merlin looks at him for a second before taking a sip of his beer. Shrugging, Merlin brushes the thanks off, "Yeah, well, I don't care what your sister thinks."

"Well I do, so thanks anyway." Arthur looks down at his shoes before grabbing a beer himself and leaning back on to the counter next to Merlin. After a couple of minutes Arthur starts to feel loose and relaxed. He knocks Merlin's shoudler with his own before speaking again, "I wasn't pissed that night."

Merlin turns to look at him as he continues. "I just, wanted to kiss you," he confesses, eyes fropping to Merlin's lips.

Sighing, Merlin shakes his head, "Why did you invite me, Arthur? We hardly know each other."

Not taking his eyes off of Merlin, Arthur shrugs, "I wanted you here."

Merlin finishes off his beer before replying, "I thought we sorted this out. You were going to stop with this," he gestures the space between each other, "remember?"

Shaking his head, he rushing to explain, "No, I didn't mean – it doesn't hurt to get to know each other."

Merlin scoffs.

Arthur tries again, "We're in the same class. We're going to be hanging out for the next two years. Why can't we just get hang out?"

"You gonna tell people you're gay any time soon?" Merlin asks with raised brows.

"I'm not - I'm not gay," he denies.

"You haven't thought this through have you?" Merlin sighs. "Listen, we can 'hang out' tonight, but after this, you have to stay away from me, alright?"

Before he can object, Merlin grabs another beer from the fridge and makes his way to the living room, leaving Arthur alone in the kitchen.

He finishes his beer, grabs another from the firdge, and makes his way to the living room. He sits down across from Merlin who is studiously avoiding eyecontact.

"You brought brownies?" Morgana looks to Freya as she takes a bite of her brownie.

Freya leans back into Gwaine and smiles, "Merlin made them."

"Yeah," Gwaines smiles as he finishes his brownie, "they're his specialty."

Morgana looks to Merlin and raises an eyebrow in question.

Grabbing the remainder of Morgana's brownie Merlin smiles, "I spiked them with MDMA." He pops the brownies, "About 40 quid's worth."

Morgana laughs as she takes another one, leaning on Merlin's shoulder. "These," she waves a brownie around, "are amazing."

Merlin smirks, "I know." He nudges Morgana's shoulder with his own and asks, "So, are we going to be friends now? Brownie buddies and all that?"

Looking him up and down, Morgana laughs at his pleading puppy look, "As long as you don't touch my brother's cock we're fine."

Merlin and Morgana laugh, "Aw, I don't get to weild Excalibur?"

Morgana shakes her head, "No amorous swordplay for you."

"No skinning the sausage?" Merlin asks with pleading eyes and a smile.

Morgana laughs and shakes her head, "No making the bald man cry."

"Not even a little friendly game of compare and contrast?"

"No, Bum Boy, no flogging the one-eyed snake," Morgana giggles.

Arthur cuts in before Merlin can reply with another euphemism, "You think that's funny?"

Merlin looks back at him, "Yeah." He leans in closer to Morgana, "Besides, between the two of you, you shouldn't be afraid for Arthur's arse," he looks directly at Arthur as he's speaking to Morgana.

Morgana rolls her eyes up to look at him, "No?"

Merlin smiles, finally looking at her, and leans down closer to her, his nose brushing hers, "Nope. I'm not gay, y'know."

Morgana smiles and asks, a little confused, "Hmm?", just as Arthur demands, "What?"

Stroking her thigh, Merlin shakes his head, "I like girls too," he bumps noses with her, "I don't discriminate."

Laughing, Morgana bumps their noses once more, "Really?"

Merlin tilts his head and whispers, "Uh huh," before brushing their lips together and deepening the kiss.

As Morgana and Merlin kiss, Gwaine begins to cheer them on, while Arthur shakes his head. Pissed off, he finishes his beer, grabs a brownie, and goes to hide out in the kitchen, not wanting to watch Merlin and his sister kiss.

He grabs two beers from the fridge, stuffs the brownie in his mouth and lies down on the island, trying to block all the noise out from the other room. Staring at the light and clutching an empty beer bottle, Arthur tries to erase the image of Merlin leaning in to kiss Morgana.

Morgana.

His twin.

Kissing Merlin.

Who, apparently, "isn't gay" and in fact, "likes girls."

Fuck.

He's sulking on the island when Merlin finds him an hour later.

Stumbling to the fridge Merlin tilts his head, and studies him, "Why are you sulking in the kitchen?" Beer in hand, Merlin hops up on the island and sits next to Arthur, "We're playing ace of truths," he looks down at Arthur and smiles, "You should join! You'd be surprised what you can learn about a person, and right now, I am learning _a lot_ about your friends."

Swinging his legs back and forth, Merlin laughs before looking back down at Arthur with a smile. Noticing Arthur's frown, Merlin's smile dampens, "Oh, maybe you should go have a brownie or two." He nudges Arthur's shoulder with his knee, "Smile."

When that doesn't work, he pulls up the corners of Arthur's mouth with this fingers and forces a smile on Arthur's face. Arthur quickly slaps his hands away, "Stop it."

They sit in silence for a bit before Arthur asks, "Why did you kiss her?"

"Who?"

Arthur rolls his eyes, "Morgana."

He nods, "Oh," he smiles and shrugs, "cause she's fit and I had four brownies. What does it matter?"

Arthur sits up, "You don't like her."

"So? I don't like you and we kissed, didn't we?" Merlin points out. "And none of it mattered. 'Sides, niether of us will remember or care about this tomorrow." He jumps down from the island, heading back toward the living room.

Arthur blocks his path, "You kissed me that night."

"I was pissed," he reminds him.

Arthur shakes his head, "You didn't look pissed."

Merlin let's out a frustrated sigh, his buzz now fading, "I can hold my liquor surprisingly well. Now will you let me leave."

"You like me," Arthur states smiling.

"No, I don't," Merlin scoffs.

"Yes, you do."

Merlin stops trying to leave and stares at Arthur with hard eyes, "You going to tell your sister you're gay?"

Arthur takes a step back and shakes his head, "I'm _not._ I'm not gay." Merlin laughs and Arthur continues, "What does that have to do with anything?"

Shaking his head, Merlin pats Arthur's shoulder as he walks back into the living room, "Sort yourself out, Arthur, or you'll turn yourself into a fucking headcase."

Listening to the yells and laughs going on in the room next door, Arthur finishes another beer, intent on getting pissed. He keeps drinking until he can no longer see straight and doesn't try to think about what Merlin might mean.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Merlin franchise belong to the BBC. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.

AN: Thanks to those who reviewed, sorry I haven't replied but RL got in the way. I'm actually going to be getting busier as the summer goes on but hopefully I'll be able to keep writing and updating.

Warnings: Homophobia, self-hate, underage sex, underage drinking, drug abuse, and internalized homophobia

_Around My Head_

After that night at Elena's, Arthur hasn't been able to talk to Merlin, despite the fact that he's now a member of their group, and that he and his sister are know 'friends' and he comes over to their house quite frequently. Arthur has no idea what they do in her room all afternoon after college, and really, he doesn't want to know. It just might break him if he finds out that Merlin is as infatuated with Morgana's breasts as all of his other friends seem to be.

So, he avoids Merlin as much as Merlin has been avoiding him.

It's difficult to avoid each other and have it not seem weird that they're not talking or awknowledging each other (especially after Arthur _invited _Merlin into their group in the first place) when he and Freya, (and occassionally Will, although he's been preoccuppied with trying to fuck their Psychology teacher), often join them at parties or when they're hanging out. Arthur tries to get his head sorted, but he can't figure out what he wants. Or doesn't want. Or likes.

He's confused.

He's confused and seeing Merlin does not help things. It just makes him _want _again; and it's even worse now because he knows that it's possible for that want to be returned.

But every time he thinks this, the image of Merlin and Morgana kissing halts that train of thought.

So he avoids Merlin and tries to get things straightened out.

As previously established, he knows that he likes Merlin.

(He likes Merlin as a person; he's sharp, funny, witty, he cares about the environment, political issues, correcting injustice in the world, animal rights, equal rights, and he's an amazing painter; and his body; the sharp lines of his broad shoulders and how it tapers off to a slim waist, his firm thighs, his long, lithe legs, his pert bum, his taught belly, the hint of hair on his chest that peaks out from his v-neck shirts, his sharp collarbones, the hard line of his jaw and the hint of stubble that he sometimes misses when he shaves, his slim wrists, his long fingers, his neck, ears, eyes, and his lips, oh god his lips.)

And he's pretty sure that he doesn't find girls attractive.

(He doesn't like their curves. He finds that their breasts get in the way of pressing their chests together, they're way too soft, he finds them to be too fragile to be able to take a good rut, their lady bits are not only confusing but aren't obvious in their satisfaction [with a guy it's easy – if he's horny he's hard, if he's come his spunk is everywhere; with a girl… he never knows], and most importantly, it's never felt right with a girl. It's never felt as good as those months in dive bars grinding with nameless guys on the dancefloor before heading to the loos and coming his head off.)

And now he's trying to accept the idea of liking _guys_ in general.

Time and time again his father has gone on about how filthy gay people are. He says it's unnatural for them to be together, to get married or to, god forbid, adopt children. Uther calls these people "abnormalities" and doesn't think that they should be able to walk down the street as a couple, let alone sully the sanctity of marriage.

He and Morgana were taught these lessons over and over again ever since they were children. He and Morgana never really understood when they were kids and often thought that "people should love whoever they love" and didn't see the harm in a man loving another man or a woman loving another woman. Uther quickly drilled his beliefs into their heads until they believed it themselves.

(Sometimes, he wonders if Morgana believed those lessons that Uther gave them. There are moments, fleeting moments that Arthur's not sure ever happened, where Morgana would look at a gay couple and smile as they held hands and walked out of a café, or watch as a lesbian couple walked in the park, pushing their daughter in the stroller ahead of them, before quickly looking away her face completely blank.)

So, he tries to convince himself what he used to believe when he was younger. He tried to tell himself that finding another boy attractive is not wrong, and that he is allowed to think anyone and everyone is beautiful, no matter their gender. He tells himself that he can love anyone, that it's _normal _to love.

Most of the time he thinks back to what his father would say if he found out; how disgusted he would be finding out that his son was abnormal, and he reverts back into himself, denying his attraction to other guys.

But some days, he can accept the idea. He knows he allowed to like boys, to like Merlin, and that he's happy. He's happy liking a boy, wanting to touch and kiss a boy. To hold hands, sleep together, cuddle on the couch, argue, make up, have anniversaries, get married, adopt kids, buy a house. To have everything that other couples have because it's _normal_. And he's normal for wanting to love somebody like that.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Merlin franchise belong to the BBC. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.

AN: Hello! Sorry I've been a bit shit at updating, but I have an archive of our own account and it's much easier to post there and that's what I've been doing every week and I seem to always forget to update here as well.

Anyways, thanks to those who reviewed, favourite, and put this on story alert; I appreciate it. Sorry I haven't replied to your reviews, but everything's been a bit hectic. Just blocked another chappie so that's good news! Should (probably) remember to update here on Saturday as well. If not, I apologize in advance.

Thanks for reading!

Warnings: Homophobia, self-hate, underage sex, underage drinking, drug abuse, and internalized homophobia

_Know When to Walk Away_

It's been three weeks since the party at Elena's and they've still been avoiding each other.

He' still confused and he's not sure how he feels about being gay, or how it'll affect his life at home or school, but he knows that he feels something for Merlin. And right now, that's enough for him to go out on a limb and explore. Arthur knows that they would be good together, like really good. Sure they'd probably fight and disagree with each other more often than not, but he knows that what he feels for Merlin outways all of the shit that could come at them.

He's not going to give that up.

So he tries to become a part of Merlin's life; to become a friend. He sits next to him at lunch, he tries to chat with him when they're at school, he invites him, Freya and Will to go to the pub with the rest of their friends, he goes to his art show; he tries to have Merlin as a part of his life. At least as a friend, if nothing else.

So he stays silent as he watches him flirt and be flirted at by Morgana, Nimueh, and random guys when they go out. Trying not to, Arthur can't help but watch as Morgana and Nimueh flirt and giggle with Merlin, as Nimueh is leaning in to Merlin, touching him. He watches as Merlin does nothing to discourage this.

But he holds himself back.

Merlin isn't his boyfriend (_yet… maybe_ he thinks). He's barely his friend, and that's what he wants to be right? His friend; giving himself time to wrap his head around everything. But, it's difficult when he wants to be the one to put his hand on Merlin's thigh, to brush shoulders when sitting together, to be the one dancing with him.

He tries so hard, and for the most part, he's successful. Merlin sometimes catches him watching him, and most of the time he'll just look away and pretend that Arthur's not watching him. Again.

He tries to get to know Merlin, Merlin continues to ignore him, and everything's settled. Sort of. Not really.

It's shit, really.

And it gets worse.

Leon's parents are away for their anniversary and he's planned his annual "Guys Night Doing Whatever as Long as it Doesn't Fuck Up My House" (which was just a glorified sleepover made to sound "manly") and Arthur asks him to invite Merlin. Leon, who remembers Merlin's brownies, is extremely enthusiastic of the idea of inviting Merlin.

At the end of the day, Merlin corners him at his locker with a frown on his face.

"Why are you doing this?"

Shutting his locker, Arthur shrugs his shoulder, "What?"

Merlin crosses his arms and furrrows his brows, "I don't like pool, or darts, or poker, or Bruce Willis films."

"Your point?"

"My point," he steps closer, "is: why did Leon invite me to his place this weekend?"

Arthur knows that his affection for Merlin is clear on his face, but he can't look away. He stares at Merlin and with a self-depricating smile on his face he says, "Because I asked him to invite you."

Merlin looks at him with sad eyes and sighs, "I thought we agreed you needed to sort yourself out." He shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair. "You have to stop doing this, Arthur. You can't keep inviting me to these things and expecting me to just -" he waves his hand in the air.

Getting frustrated, Arthur cenches his hand, "To what?"

Merlin stares at him, angry, "To let you into my pants and then deny it ever happened." Arthur looks at him with shock and anger as Merlin continues, "I'm not some experiment you can have a one off with and then pretend it didn't happen just so that you can still be Daddy's Perfect Boy. I'm not a fuck and run, so just stop with all this."

Hurt and upset by Merlin's assumptions of him, Arthur takes a step closer and asks, "You really think that I would do that?"

Merlin lets out a humourless laugh, "You already did."

"Listen, I know you and I don't exactly have the best track record," Merlin rolls his eyes at this but Arthur ignores it and continues, "but I thought you at least knew me well enough to know that I would never want to hurt someone like that." He looks Merlin in the eye and tries to convey how much Merlin means to him, "Least of all you," he says shakily.

Arthur leaves Merlin in front of his locker and heads towards the doors leading to the carpark before he turns around and adds, "And just so you know, my first thought when I see you is not 'I want to fuck that boy.'"

Merlin nods, "I know."

Arthur ploughs on, "We've kissed. Twice. It was nice, but it's also nice just being with you. When you're not being an idiot." Shaking his head Arthur leaves Merlin standing dumbstruck in the middle of the hall and makes his way to the carpark, ready to go home.

In the car, Arthur slams his fists on the steering wheel, upset that Merlin would think so low of him. He tried so hard to be a good friend to Merlin, to get to know him and to have Merlin know who he is, who he really is. Apparently, all Merlin sees is what he wants to see. He hasn't tried to get to know Arthur at all, all he's done is dismissed him time and time again.

Is it even worth it? Should he even be wanting to get closer to Merlin now, now that he knows how little Merlin thinks of him?

He's not a bad person. He tries so hard to be a good son, brother, friend, student. It's difficult trying to please everybody and stay true to who you are. But he's trying. All for Merlin, because Merlin deserves to be with someone like that; a good person.

But so does Arthur. He deserves someone who won't think he's an abonormal son, an annoying brother, a shit friend, and an all around horrible person. He deserves someone that can see the good in him and can help him be a better person and help him figure out who he is and what he wants in life. What he doesn't deserve is someone who thinks that he has no feelings for others and considers them a "fuck and run."

He would never do that; not to Merlin.

With that, he starts the car and drives home. He doesn't look back at the school to see if Merlin's there, wanting to talk and apologize. He drives all the way home and doesn't look back.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Merlin franchise belong to the BBC. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.

AN: So, RL is acting up so I think this might slow down, but hey, who knows I might find some time to write. Anyhoo, on to the chapter.

Warnings: Homophobia, self-hate, underage sex, underage drinking, drug abuse, and internalized homophobia

_The Hell that is My Life_

As it turns out, when he puts his mind to it, Arthur can avoid anyone he wants (even Morgana who seems to always know where everyone is at any given time).

He spends all of Friday alone. He avoids his friends, his twin, and Merlin; especially Merlin. After what happened yesterday, Arthur's sure that he wants to stay away from Merlin for quite some time.

It just hurts when you like someone more than they like you.

It hurts even more when they think that you're the biggest prat in the world while you think that the sun shines out of their ass.

So yeah, right now, space from Merlin would be good. Also, beer. Beer, some spliff, take-away, and some horrible action films. Seeing how all of this will be done at Leon's, Arthur opens his locker and gathers his stuff.

Getting drunk at Leon's has many benefits. For one, he doesn't have to lock himself in his room to: a) hide from Morgana, b) drink his feelings alone, and c) hide from Morgana's mocking of him being an emo kid hiding in his room whilst drinking his feelings before pestering him for the reason why he's drinking his feelings, resulting in a giant argument that may or may not lead to his disinheritance, being disowned, and kicked out of the house.

Other benefits are that the guys won't care to ask why he's being miserable, if the guys do ask why he's miserable, they won't press for an answer; he'll get free beer and spliff, and Leon has a trampoline in his garden. If jumping on a trampoline drunk doesn't lighten up his mood, then he's pretty much doomed.

Having finished packing his bag and making his way to the carpark, Arthur starts the car and drives to Leon's. He's getting a little bit excited thinking about tonight. It's going to be a proper Guy's Night. There will be no talking about anyone's love life, family issues, college, uni, or anything to do with responsibility or the future. Tonight is about getting drunk, watching horrible films, sharing a spliff or four, and just relaxing.

Pulling up in the drive, Arthur feels good about tonight. It'll be like old times; just him and the guys hanging out and doing absolutely nothing.

He enters the house and tosses his bag in the lounge before making his way to the games room, where he hears the rest of the guys. Arthur makes his way to the pool table, grabbing a can of beer on the way, and watches as Elyan slaughters Leon. He laughs with the rest of the guys as Leon curses them all, "I fucking hate all you tossers. Cheering him on," he points to Elyan, "when he's clearly a cheater."

When he gains no sympathy, Leon gives them all the two-finger salute and grabs another beer before collapsing on the couch. Elyan and Gwaine start up a game and Arthur's content to just watch for a bit before he joins in, when someone sidles up next to him.

He sees Merlin out of the corner of his eye and tries to hold in an aggravated sigh. The brunette made it quite clear yesterday that he had no interest in coming today and Arthur was looking forward to that.

Noticing his irritation, Merlin leans and says in a serious voice, "We need to talk."

Arthur makes no move to let Merlin know he heard him, let alone agree to go and talk with him.

He looks at Arthur with pleading eyes and whispers, "Please."

Caving, Arthur nods and follows Merlin out of the games room and into a spare bedroom on the other side of the house.

Arthur walks and stands in the middle of the room, clenching his fists, trying to hold back his anger as Merlin locks the door.

Why? Why does Merlin have to be here tonight? Does he really have to talk now, when Arthur was just beginning to relax and forget about all the crap in his life?

He's about to ask Merlin what the fuck he's doing when Merlin turns and speaks, "I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry."

Arthur looks at him with raised brows, clearly skeptical, "You're sorry."

Merlin stares at Arthur, as if waiting to be forgiven. When he realizes that Arthur isn't going to say anything, he lets out an annoyed huff. "Listen, this isn't all my fault y'know."

"What," Arthur scoffs, "you being a dick is partially _my_ fault? Please, enlighten me on how I made you behave like a dick," he waves his hands in front of him, giving Merlin space to explain.

Merlin crosses his arms, as if in defense from Arthur's sarcasm and anger. "For months you've been watching me," Merlin starts, "and I get that you're confused or whatever, but you being a creep and watchng me day-in and day-out has been making me uncomfortable. And tense. Not to mention freaked the fuck out." He runs a hand through his hair, no longer looking at Arthur, but staring at the carpet, "You kiss me at that party and then have your sister spread rumours around the school about how _I_ jumped _you_. How I'm the bum boy at school that jumped Arthur Pendragon to try and 'make him gay.'" Letting out a humourless laugh, Merlin continues, "You made my life a living hell and then started looking at me like-." He finally looks back up at Arthur and shrugs, "What was I supposed to think? How was I supposed to know what you wanted? And then you get my number from Gwaine and start texting me, inviting me to these parties with your friends, and try to act like it never happened," he shakes his head.

The room is silent for a long while; Merlin is trying to control himself and Arthur is starting to understand Merlin's side of things, his hesitance, not to mention his skepticism and anger. Arthur realizes that he's not been the only one who wasn't understanding what the other boy in the room was doing and what his motivaions were given their history.

Just as he's about to apologize to Merlin, Arthur's cut off by Merlin. "Listen, I came here to apologize and to broker a truce."

"A truce?"

Merlin nods, a tentative smile on his face, "Let's make a deal," his smile grows mischievious when he meets Arthur's gaze, "no more head-fuck behaviour; you try to sort yourself out because I sense that you really need it."

Rolling his eyes, Arthur fights a smile off his face as he agrees, "I'll sort myself out if you stop being a dick."

"Deal," Merlin agrees with a huge grin on his face, "No more headfuckery or dickory. Good."

Arthur can't help but laugh at Merlin before asking, "Why are you here anyway? You hate all this stuff, remember?"

The hurt Arthur tried to hide on his face as he exchoes Merlin's statement from the other day must be clear to Merlin who softens his voice and tries to comfort him, "Listen, I'm trying, yeah?" He clears his throat, "We made a deal right? I'm going to try and be less of a dick to you and I figure the only way to do that is if we're friends", he rummages around in his pockets before he pulls out a spliff from his back pocket. He offers it to Arthur, "So what do you say? Let's be friends. Then when we can get to know each other we'll have a good reason for hating each other."

Arthur takes the spliff and nods, smiling, "Cementing our friendship with a 'peace pipe'? I'm in."

"Excellent," Merlin finds his lighter and offers the flame to Arthur who lights the spliff and inhales deeply.

After the first spliff, the guys laid down head to toe next to each other on the floor, snagging pillows from the bed for their heads. They shared the first spliff in relative silence with a few comments in between, before they sarted the second.

Sometime in the middle of the second spliff, Arthur feels relaxed enough to ask what's been on his mind since he thought he might like a boy.

"Merlin," he nudges Merlin's shoulder with his foot.

"Mm?"

He takes another drag before passing it to Merlin and asking, "What do two guys do to one another any way?"

Accepting the spliff, Merlin laughs, "I dunno, usual stuff. Why are you asking me?"

"You are gay," Arthur points out, rolling his eyes.

Shaking his head, Merlin corrects him, "I'm bi." He takes another drag or two before passing it back to Arthur, "Also, there is a wonderful thing called the Internet and can provide you with all this information." He smiles, "Even helpful videos."

"Yeah, I know. It's just," Arthur tries to explain why he needs to hear it from him. How it would help to hear it from someone else and not have to risk open those pages on his computer at home where his dad could check the history.

He gives up trying to find the words, "But you've _been_ with a boy."

Merlin rolls his eyes, "I've done stuff, fun stuff, with guys." He shrugs, "Blow jobs, hand jobs, and based on what I hear at the clubs, you've done those too."

Arthur shifts uncomfortably, "Not really. I mean, other blokes have," he shakes his head, "but I never, not to them."

Merlin nods, "Yeah, I'm still waiting for someone before I do the serious stuff, too." They share a comfortable silence before Merlin speaks again, a laugh creeping out, "'Sides, if I want random sex girls are easier to pull. I just have to smile and bat my lashes and I'm done."

Arthur, not laughing, sits up and asks Merlin again, "But what do you _do_ with a guy? I mean, how does it work?"

Merlin finishes their last spliff and sits up, "I guess you just, do what you do to yourself, only a bit more rigorously. And with a lot more lube." Both boys look at each other before bursting out laughing.

"Lots and lots of lube," Arthur says as he waggles his brows.

Merlin lies back down and continues to laugh, "So much lube. Lu-ube, lots and lots and lots of lube. Lube and fun stuff."

Giggling, Arthur lies back down as well and draws out the word as well, "Luuuuuube."

Turning on his side, Merlin looks at him seriously and adds, "And fun stuff."

Arthur turns on his side to face Merlin and nods, "And fun stuff."

They both look at each other and smile. Merlin brings his hand up nods to Arthur, "Friends."

Smiling, Arthur tangles his hand with Merlin, "Friends."

Merlin lays back down and stares at the ceiling, still giggling and occasionally saying the word "lube" before bursting in a fit of giggle again.

Arthur stays on his side look at Merlin for a bit before laying back down and closing his eyes.

Neither one of them let go of the other's hand.


End file.
